Rekindle the passion in your marriage. Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three children. Most of their conversations are about work, chores, their children’s activities, and the mundane aspects of their stagnant marriage.
Kendra puts it this way: “I love Jason, but the passion is gone. does not exist. ”
When Kendra drops this bombshell, Jason responds, “I thought we were doing it right, I really did. Even though we don’t have much sex anymore, it seems like a phase we’re going through. I don’t have any energy left when I lie in bed at night.”
By all accounts, Kendra and Jason were passionate during the early years of their marriage. However, in recent years, their sex life has declined and they rarely spend time together without their children. Kendra seeks out Jason for sexual intimacy and Jason often walks away.
According to experts, the most common reason couples lose passion for each other and stop being sexually intimate is a pursuer-distancer pattern that develops over time. . Dr. Sue Johnson identifies the demand-withdrawal pattern as the “protest polka” and says it is one of three “demonic dialogues”. She explains that when one partner becomes critical and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive and distant.
Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples found that couples who get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have a more than 80% chance of divorce within the first four to five years.
Encourage emotional intimacy
A good sexual relationship is based on emotional intimacy and closeness. In other words, if you hope to improve your physical relationship, you must first work on your emotional connection. Focus on meeting your partner’s needs and communicating your own needs in a loving and respectful way.
In The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love should turn to the other. other. Practicing emotional attunement can help you stay connected even when you disagree. This means turning to each other showing empathy, rather than being defensive. Both partners need to talk about their feelings in terms of a positive need, rather than what they don’t need.
According to Dr. Gottman, expressing a positive need is a recipe for success for both the listener and the listener. the interlocutor. orator because he transmits complaints and requests without criticism or reproach. Dr. Gottman says, “This requires a mental transformation from what is wrong with one’s partner to what one’s partner can make work. The speaker is really saying, ‘This is how I feel and what I need from you.’”
Rekindle Sexual Chemistry
During the early phase of marriage, many couples barely make it. by air due to the thrill of falling in love. Unfortunately, this state of happiness does not last forever. Scientists have discovered that the oxytocin (a bonding hormone) released during the initial stage of falling in love makes couples feel euphoric and aroused by physical contact. It actually works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards that bond us to our lover.
Holding hands, hugging, and tender touching are all great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for sexual contact that focuses on pleasure. Sex therapist and educator Dr. Micheal Stysma recommends that you set a goal of doubling the amount of time you kiss, hug, and use sensual touch if you want to improve your marriage.
Sexual attraction is hard to maintain over time. For example, Kendra and Jason lack passion because they are unwilling to give up control and show vulnerability. As a result, they avoid sex and rarely touch each other. Says sex therapist Laurie Watson, “Most sexual concerns stem from an interpersonal struggle in a marriage.”
Gottman’s Relationship Coach, the world’s first comprehensive relationship wellness tool for couples , takes the guesswork out of how to improve your relationship. . Measure the health of your relationship with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a personalized digital relationship plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.
Here are 10 tips to bring the passion back in your marriage:
1. Change your pattern of sexual initiation
Perhaps you are denying your partner or becoming too strong. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game”. Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distancers may want to engage in more frequent sexual initiation and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy” in subtle ways while avoiding criticism and closeness demands.
2. Hold hands more often
According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, holding hands, hugging and touching can release oxytocin and cause a sense of calm . Studies show that it is also released during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection lowers stress hormones, which lowers daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
3. Allow tension to build
Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of reward continues for some time before we receive it. So take your time during foreplay, share fantasies, switch locations and make sex more romantic.
4. Separate sexual intimacy from routine
Plan moments of intimacy and avoid talking about relationship problems and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal plummets when we’re distracted and stressed.
5. Find time to spend with your partner
Try a variety of activities that bring pleasure to both of you. Have fun courting and practice flirting as a way to ignite sexual desire and intimacy. Dr. Gottman says that “everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.”
6. Focus on touching
Give your partner a back or shoulder massage. People associate foreplay with sex, but touching is a powerful way to show and rekindle passion, even if you’re not a touchy-feely person.
7. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex
Share your innermost wishes, fantasies, and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider participating in individual or couples therapy.
8. Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy
Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. See sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.
9. Vary the type of sex you have
Have soft, loving-tender, intimate, and highly erotic sex. Break the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.
10. Make sex a priority
Set the mood for intimacy before TV or work dampens your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.
Even if you’re not a picky person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you maintain a deep and meaningful bond.
The good news is that allowing your partner to influencing can reignite the spark you once enjoyed. In fact, Dr. Gottman reminds us that friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together:
“Couples who know each other intimately [and] are well aware of the likes, dislikes, and personality quirks, hopes and dreams are couples that make it.”
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